


Fix You

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, But really sort of, Depression, Gen, Hospital, Like LOTS of angst, M/M, Old Problems Come Up, Sort of 4+1, missing person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24755332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: “Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, and we don’t know where the road leads...”Both of them had noticed the signs.Both of them had tried to put the pieces together.When old problems raised up, the only thing that Nick could try to do was to try to fix Brian.
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Leighanne Littrell, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell, Nick Carter/Lauren Kitt Carter
Comments: 41
Kudos: 25





	1. The First Time

1.

The first time Brian might had thought that something wasn’t quite right with him, with his body and health specifically, had been during the last leg of the DNA World Tour. They had been rehearsing for the last show, which was going to be broadcasted around the world and just that tiny and small detail had managed to keep Brian up all night, wondering and being afraid that his voice was going to be, once again, the talk of the entire fandom.

And not in a good way.

_“Don’t be stupid. – Nick had tried to reassure him that morning, the lines of insomnia written underneath Brian’s eyes, grey clouds tainting the blue that was supposed to shine with the sunlight coming through the windows. – You’ve been sounding amazing.”_

_“I won’t say amazing.” Brian had snorted, sitting up on the bed and giving his back to Nick, as if he had been wanting to hide all those stupid and childish fears that still haunted and plagued his mind._

_“You’re too hard on yourself.” Nick’s arms had come around Brian’s shoulders, lips fluttered against that sensitive spot on the neck that Nick knew too well could drive Brian crazy._

_“I’m not. – Brian had replied softly, his lips brushing against Nick’s hands. – I just know when I’m not up to my standards. And, let’s face it, those standards have been lowered.”_

_“You’re still better than one year ago. Can you just be happy of your improvement?”_

_Brian hadn’t even bothered to reply, not only because one of their phones had started to ring and their day had started like nothing had really happened. He hadn’t replied because he was tired of those discussions, that “can’t you just be happy?” that he wanted so badly to rip apart and set those words on fire: why should he be happy to sound as half as he used to? Why should he be happy when he knew that he wasn’t even half decent?_

Maybe that was the reason why he hadn’t given too much attention to what happened that day. He had been tired. He had been anxious and nervous and all he had wanted was to just get through that show hoping that it wouldn’t be that bad as he was predicting and fearing.

Maybe the reason might had been the weather, too hot to the point that it wasn’t that easy to breathe as normal as usual. Yes, maybe that had been the real motive and Brian had just begun to worry too much, too used to find something that wasn’t working within his body instead than starting to question the reality around him.

They were rehearsing, going over the steps even though they should know them by heart, given how many days, weeks and months they had been doing them. But the forgetting one or two steps, or one or two words of the songs, had happened almost frequently, a combination of being too tired or too cranky.

Or just plain getting older.

The one detail that had made Brian worry had been that, when it happened, he hadn’t even been pushing himself: he was only doing the minimum, placing himself in the right place and not even bothering trying to get arms and legs coordinated. Up until that moment, truthfully, he had been feeling healthy: maybe a little bit tired, thanks to not being able to sleep the previous night, but he was feeling good. He had been feeling good, getting his workout of more than two hours and feeling like he could breathe a little better by being so far away from what used to be his home in Atlanta.

But then that moment happened, and Brian felt as though everything had been turned around, as if life had decided to throw him another curveball, although he might not be able to overcome it this time. That moment happened and it revealed itself into a sharp and acute pain that started right in the chest, right in the same place where, more than twenty years before, a surgeon had went in and took his heart in his own hands to try to fix it.

That moment happened and Brian stopped in the middle of a step, his hand reaching the place where it suddenly hurt, his heart, as panic and worry started to swirl inside, and icy cold claws wrapped themselves around his legs and paralyzing him in that position. Only a few seconds passed by, but to Brian felt as though eternity had decided to descend upon himself so that all of his worries and fears would gather together and start a screaming match inside his mind.

“No, no, no. – He kept thinking, rumbling and rumbling inside his mind. – It can’t be. It can’t be again.”

His frozen stance was soon interrupted by Nick who, mindlessly working on the choreography, bumped into him. “Bri, everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Brian just mumbled, not really looking at Nick and trying to regain a sort of calm and composure. He really didn’t want to scare Nick, he really didn’t want anyone else to bug him for something that might be nothing at all.

Just stress.

Just being tired.

“Yeah. – Brian repeated quietly to himself. – That’s all it is. Nothing is wrong.”

“You kinda spaced out and stood there like a statue. – Nick placed a hand on his arm, that kind and tender gesture that wanted to be sure that everything was good. – Although, I might admit you’re a pretty good-looking statue to stare at.”

The joke managed to get through Brian’s panic, the air was suddenly lighter and easier to breathe in and those clouds of fears seemed to have understood that it wasn’t that the time to rain upon Brian. “Nothing to worry. I just had a Nick moment.”

“Oh, okay... wait! A Nick moment?”

“Yes. – Brian replied with a grin. – You’re blonde.”

“What that has to do with it?”

“Well, instead of having a blonde moment, I had a Nick moment.”

“Oh, okay.”

Brian couldn’t help but laugh at Nick’s reaction, knowing that it would take a couple of seconds more for Nick to really understand what he had just said.

“Wait a minute.”

“Yes...”

“Are you making fun of me, sir?” Nick whispered, his lips just a few inches distant from Brian’s.

“But you’re my favorite blonde.” Brian replied, standing on his tiptoes and softly kissing Nick on the lips.

“I guess I might forgive you.”

“You might?”

“Mh... probably.”

“Probably?”

“I can. I definitely can forgive you.” Nick’s reply came between breaths, whispers that landed on Brian’s lips as butterfly kisses, all of his fears suddenly flown away.

But not for too long.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

The first time that Nick noticed that something might be wrong with Brian, beyond the usual stuff, had been that very same night. Even though the show had been quite the success, and Brian had sounded as the best as people could expect from him at the moment, there had been a frown painted on his lover’s face since the moment they came down from the stage.

Nick had tried everything, thinking and believing that, maybe, Brian hadn’t still be quite satisfied with his performance: he tried to lift his spirit up, with jokes and compliments while they rode back to the hotel together with the other three; he hadn’t waited a single moment to push Brian on the bed as soon as they were in their room, hoping that kisses, caresses and touches could melt away all the tension and the worry.

It hadn’t work. That frown, that worried and preoccupied expression, had seemed to have taken reign over Brian’s eyes.

“Is something wrong?” Nick dared to ask, although he already knew that he wasn’t going to get any answers. Still he tried, because sometimes he managed to get Brian by surprise, and he would get some sort of clues of what was going inside his partner’s mind. Or body. Or both.

Brian sighed, for he should had expected that Nick would come back to the heart of the matter, no pun intended. One finger started playing with Nick’s hair as Nick’s fingertips traced lines and circles on Brian’s skin.

“I’m just tired.” Brian simply replied, and wasn’t that another sign that something was definitely wrong? Brian’s _“I’m tired”_ had been his alibi for the past years, a justification for all those nights when he had preferred hiding in his room instead than letting someone take his weight; a white lie for concealing the depression and the numbing effect of alcohol.

“You old buddy.”

“Buddy?” Brian asked, one eyebrow raised in confusion.

“Are you trying to skip the fact that I called you old?”

“Maybe I am.”

“Of course, you are. Grandpa.”

“Still, this grandpa keeps kicking your young ass on the court.”

“That’s only because you cheat.”

“I don’t cheat.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I don’t. Ask Odin.”

“That’s not fair. Odin likes you better.” Nick’s reply came with a pout, that adorable and childish pouting that Brian had never stopped loving not even for a second. He bent his face a little, just those inches enough so that his lips could cuddle upon that pout, resting on those crisped lips. Stole it away because, as much as Brian loved that pout, it shouldn’t belong to that face.

“All the Carters likes me better.”

Nick shifted a little so that he could come up face to face with Brian. He looked straight into those blue eyes, the dimming lights made them a shade that rarely Nick had managed to see in the world, almost impossible to describe and, yet, so clear that he could almost see his reflection.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, papa.”

“I’m being serious here.”

“I know. – Brian brushed his nose against Nick’s, lips against lips as they searched and longed for being together once again. – I’m just tired. It’s been a long night.”

Nick should had felt hurt, no matter how many times before they had already done that dance. He should had been used to, after all pretending and expecting that Brian would just openly admitting that something was wrong was something that would never happen that easily. And, perhaps, Nick would had been hurt if it had happened some years before, when still walls were too damn high and hard to take down with only a question.

So, for that night, Nick didn’t take that answer for the truth and neither, though, didn’t ask for more. He knew that if things started to become too big, or too deep, it would be Brian the one that would come and tell him about it.

Or, at least, he hoped.

So, for that night, Nick just lay with his head on Brian’s chest, just enjoying those last few moments that they had before the tour was over and they would had to go to their separate and different houses. God, he missed his kids so much, just like he already knew he was going to miss Brian with every breath and every second that would pass. But life had turned to be quite complicated while both of them tried to figure things and their feelings out: they hid in families built underneath the appearance and illusion that they could be nothing more than friends, and not realizing that fate and destiny would always found a way to bring them together.

Over and over again.

It had been in that moment, as eyes were starting to close down in the darkness, feeling that it was finally time to rest and be ready for the next day and being lullabied by Brian’s heartbeat, that Nick felt it. Or, actually he heard it.

Beat, Beat. Skip. Beat.

Beat. Skip. Beat. Beat.

Nick’s own heartbeat stopped for a second. The whole world stopped for that moment, as Nick tried not to get his fears way over the moon.

Beat. Beat. Skip. Beat. 

He wanted to wake up. He wanted to wake Brian up and take him to the closer hospital, even though they barely knew the language and how things worked in that part of the world. It didn’t matter because there was something wrong with Brian’s heart again and that was all that it mattered.

Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat.

Nick listened more carefully and closer. He could barely breathe as all of his senses were focused on that simple rhythm. Had he imagined it? Had he overreacted?

Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat.

Maybe it had been just his imagination. Maybe Nick had been so tired that he was hearing things that weren’t really happened. Maybe Nick had been just that worried and anxious about Brian’s health that his mind had provided something that could explain those emotions and thoughts.

Beat. Beat. Beat.

Maybe Nick was wrong. And, yet, as sleep managed to slip away silently, Nick felt that it hadn’t been just his imagination.

Beat. Beat. Skip. Beat.


	2. The Second Time

2.

“You’re such a teaser.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You do, little bastard.”

“My my, such a language. Who do you kiss with that mouth?”

“You know really well who.”

“I don’t. Do you go around and kiss strangers?”

“Don’t change subject, teaser.”

“I’m not a teaser.”

“You aren’t? You “mister I’m gonna post a half-naked picture but in black and white so they can’t really see anything” are not a teaser?”

Brian couldn’t help but chuckle at Nick’s reply. It felt good to just doing that, flirting without the anxiety of saying or doing the wrong thing. It felt good, especially, not to focus on what was really going on, on all those thoughts and fears that hadn’t left his side since they had been back from the tour. Since that particular day during the last tour. Since he had been back home and things, mainly saying his health and heart, hadn’t really recovered as he would had expected.

Brian put down the phone, without even replying, conscious that his silence was going to drive Nick even madder. Nick didn’t love to be ignored, it drove him crazy and made him go back to be that adorable annoying kid that kept pestering him hundreds of times for whatever was going through his mind in that moment.

How easily time had flown. Sometimes it was amazing and surprising to look back and realize how many years they had spent locked into each other’s feelings, as if, even they hadn’t been together as they would had loved to be, destiny and fate had still managed to keep them tied up together. How many people could say the same? How many people had been granted not just a second chance, but multiples chances?

Brian picked up the boxing gloves and, after putting them on, started punching the bag, feeling stress and pent-up fears and worries starting to flow out from his system. Funnily it had been Nick the one telling him to pick up boxing, way back when his anger towards his vocal issues had been almost uncontrollable: he had needed an outlet and just plainly working out hadn’t really helped, for he had still managed to feel as though he could had destroy everything around him; he could had screamed and yelled at the top of his lungs how unfair that whole situation was.

Ironically, weren’t things back to the way they used to be?

Punch. Punch. Punch.

He was good. He was feeling good.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

He wasn’t feeling tired all the time. He wasn’t feeling as though his heart would either jump out of his ribcage or stop beating out of the blue.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this. It was supposed to be fixed.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

And with every punch, he could feel his breath getting more and more labored, and not in that healthy way when you knew that you’ve worked your body and calories were being burned. No, that was the kind feeling of being out of breath, as if his lungs weren’t able anymore to take air in and let it out.

Yet, Brian didn’t stop.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

Harder. Harder. Faster.

And harder and harder it was getting to breath; black spots were starting to cloud his vision, but Brian kept going, as if only his will of wanting to be healthy was the only thing that could work.

He didn’t stop.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

He didn’t want to stop but his body, his heart, didn’t actually agree with that decision and forced him to stop abruptly, stumbling as if he was drunk until his back came in contact with the wall: only then Brian let himself sliding down, eyes closed and a horrible that was filling the air and the atmosphere in the gym room. It took Brian a couple of seconds to realize that that sound, that wheezing as if someone wasn’t even able to save a gulp of oxygen, belonged to him.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be fixed.

Tears, a mist of frustration, pain and anger, threatened to escape as Brian fought not only to regain control over his breathing, but also against the panic that wasn’t really helping the situation. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice was trying to tell him to slow down, calm down before pushing himself into unconsciousness and who knew when someone would notice his disappearance within that maze of rooms that was his house.

But it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Seconds stretched into minutes and those lasted up until hours blended into each other. A ringtone started to spread in the background, so faint and so far-fetched that Brian thought that it might be just his imagination. Yet, it served its purpose. Yet, it helped Brian taking back a little bit of control and focusing all of his remaining energies into the simplest and most basic mechanism of breathing.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Slowly, almost as it was eternity that wanted to grant a wish on this bare human being, breathing turned back into something almost like normal: it was still a little bit labored, and there was a lingering wheezing as a background sound, but Brian didn’t feel like he was about to pass out right in that very moment.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

His heart was still beating as though as if it was running a marathon, slamming against the ribcage painfully and reminding him of that metallic wire that, up until that day, had managed to keep everything bound together.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this but hiding, pretending that it wasn’t really happening, wasn’t going to solve his situation. Hadn’t he learned with his dysphonia? Hadn’t he learned when it first happened?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

It was supposed to be fixed but it seemed that it needed to be fixed all over again. And, as much as it scared and frightened him just to the mere thought of what he might had to go through again, Brian knew that he couldn’t run anymore.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

His cellphone started to ring again, somewhere lost in the room. The ringtone told him that he was Nick the one calling, probably frustrated that he had been ignored up until that moment. There was no need to worry him, not until Brian was sure about everything. What could Nick do, after all? He wasn’t still allowed to just leave and come to hold his hand while being at the doctor, and the last thing Brian needed was someone who kept pestering about his health and everything.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

That was his plan: he was going to find out what was wrong and only then he was going to tell Nick. Maybe, just a tiny thread of hope, maybe there was even no need to worry him. Maybe, just maybe, he was just overreacting.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

Nick sat down in the studio, finally having managed to get both kids to sleep. It wasn’t going to last that long but, at least, it would give him enough time to call Brian. Saying that things had been weird between them was just an understatement. Saying that he had been worried about Brian, more and more day after day, wasn’t just enough to justify that feeling that hadn’t left him since the last night of the tour.

The last time they had been together and how Brian’s heart had scared him.

At first, Nick had put that thought aside because it just had seemed to be an accident, something that had happened just that one time: Brian kept looking good, maybe a little bit tired and sad, but weren’t those the same feelings Nick had been fighting as well? Being that distant, without even knowing when they would be able not only to see each other, but touch and kiss and hold as well... that was pure agony, and no matter how many calls and messages couldn’t quite put a band-aid to their desperation. But Brian kept looking good, especially after he started that blessed challenge and kept posting selfies that were a clear attempt to make Nick fall into temptation all over again.

And then, out of the blue, Brian stopped: calls became shorter and shorter, even though the one who should had less time on his hands had been Nick, given his situation; texts seemed like less... less Brian, just the enough information but all the flirting and the teasing gone, as though as he had too much on his mind. But what worried Nick more had been when Brian had quit his working out, for Brian never quit, no matter what was the challenge about. Especially if it was about taking care of his body, something he had become obsessed with when all the dysphonia and dystonia knocked at his door and forced him to change everything about his lifestyle.

Something was wrong and Nick wanted to get to the bottom of it, even though all he could do was waiting on a stupid video call. Damn that fucking pandemic. And, when Brian finally appeared on the screen, Nick’s bad feeling about that whole situation just got even bigger and deeper: Brian looked even more worn-out than the usual, paler and as if he had been losing weight too suddenly.

“Nicky?”

“Hey.”

“How are the kids?”

“Driving me insane. Saoirse just started to crawl so I’m basically running after her all around the house. – Both men laughed and smiled, a pang of sadness for both would had wanted to be together instead than relying on second-handed stories. - How are...”

“Don’t. – Brian immediately stopped Nick before he could even managed to finish his question. – You really need to stop asking how I am.” He finished, rolling his eyes frustrated and annoyed.

Brian’s answer, or lack of that, immediately put Nick on alert. It hadn’t been easy but, especially during the last year, he thought that he had been able to crack those high and tight walls that his partner had built up. Now, instead, it seemed that if everything had been turned all around and they had stumbled back to the times when Brian would hide whatever was wrong, either for fear or because he didn’t anyone to worry.

Nick really wanted to kick Brian.

“I was going to ask you how things are back home.”

“Isn’t it the same?”

“No, it’s not. You don’t have to tell me about yourself. – Nick replied, trying hard not to let his true intentions so out in the open. Although, he was sure that Brian had already guessed where he was trying to go. – You can tell me all about Bay.”

“Haven’t you two talked the other day?”

“So many things can change.”

“During a quarantine?”

“You can never know.”

“Nick...” His eyebrow raised, Brian gave to Nick the same expression Kevin used to use back when they were younger, and Nick would come up with the strangest explanations for something weird that he had just said.

“Why can’t I ask my boyfriend how he is?”

“You know why.”

“No, I don’t. You keep doing this shit, you decide that something is forbidden and that’s it, I have to accept it because that’s how it is. But I’m not naïve and stupid anymore. I’m your partner now and, since I’m not even there with you, I have every right to know how are you.” Nick didn’t add that he needed to know because he knew that something was wrong, he had known since that night on tour, and he knew that Brian was using every trick in his book to hide and run away from it. It might had worked in the past, when Nick had been to selfish and too into his own world to notice and act on it, but now things were definitely not the same.

Nick wasn’t going to let something happen to Brian, even if he was on the other side of America.

Brian felt frustration starting to flare up inside his veins. There had been a time when he had been able to play up his role, using and abusing his being older so that Nick would never be ruined, somehow, by how messed up he was; there had been a time when Nick would had never challenged him like that, believing or deceiving himself that everything was okay, that Brian himself was okay and didn’t need his help. But it seemed, now, that those times were gone, dissolved through struggles and battles that had somehow reverted their roles, shattering down walls and defenses.

And it was still hard, for Brian, to accept that new balance. It was still hard, for Brian, to look at Nick and not seeing that little kid he had sworn to defend and protect, even and mostly from himself. It was still hard, for Brian, to be that open with Nick. It was still hard for Brian to try to untie himself from the notion and habit of being afraid that all of his weakness could be used as a way to abuse and manipulate him.

“I have been living in my studio.”

It wasn’t a complete honest reply. It wasn’t the real truth, the real length of how really, he felt or how he was really doing. He didn’t even know if there was a real answer and, frankly, he was still afraid to go and search for that truth.

“Shit.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s not that bad.”

It wasn’t, honestly. It wasn’t really that bad. There wasn’t a bed, that was true, but the couch he had chosen long ago was as comfortable as it could be. And, honestly, it wasn’t as though as if he had been able to actually sleep a lot.

So, it hadn’t been that bad. Or so he could keep lying himself about it.

“Remind me who bought that mansion.” _Mansion that Brian didn’t even like it while, the only one house he had loved and adored had been sold because Leighanne just didn’t want it anymore,_ Nick would had added but he knew when it was best to hold back his tongue.

“Nick.”

“You did. And you even bought her parents’ house so why can’t she go and live there.”

“You know why.”

“No, I don’t.”

Brian sighed, as he massaged his temples willing the headache, that was already starting to build up, to stop right in that moment. “Fans will talk, you know.”

“Fans are already talking.”

“I owe her, okay.”

“For what?”

“You know very well for what.”

“Seriously... - There were so many things that Nick wanted to say, so many secrets that had been kept because they had never wanted to ruin that little time they had together. Maybe it was the quarantine period. Maybe it was the fact that Brian was still trying to do the right thing, and that made Nick angrier than he had ever been because that woman had already put him through hell and, still, Brian didn’t want to pull the trigger. - ... she is the one that owes you.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?”

“I just hate seeing you like this. I hate knowing that you’ve been basically kicked out from your own house.”

“Hey! I love my studio very much.” Oh, Nick knew how much Brian loved that studio, given all the weeks and months he had taken him to basically built it from scratch. Still, it wasn’t a good reason for liking been forced to live there.

“You know that you can come here, right?”

“I don’t think right now I’m actually allowed to fly there.”

“Obviously. I wasn’t saying right now but... it’s an open invitation.”

“And what does Lauren think about this open invitation?”

“As long as I keep funding all of her enterprises... And I bet she’d love your cooking.”

“Only she?”

“Well, of course I’m the first fan of your cooking.”

Brian remained silent for a few seconds, trying to find another objection but coming up with nothing. How easy it would had been to just forget all about his problems and just take a flight to Nevada, letting himself be wrapped inside that bubble of apparent perfection and happiness: he and Nick, finally together as a family.

And that was they very reason why he had to take care of his problem, especially now that that dream could actually turn out to be real.

“So, you love me only for my cooking skills?”

“More or less.” Nick agreed jokingly, finally relieved to see a small smile appearing and curving Brian’s lips.

“Good to know.”

“Frick, you sure you’re okay?” Nick pushed again, now that the atmosphere seemed to be lighter and easier.

“I... I’ll be, Frack.”

“Why can’t you talk me about it? I thought... I thought we were past this. I thought you trusted me.” Nick said in a small voice, not even sure why he was bringing that up or why it seemed so important. Did he really think that Brian was hiding something? Did he really believe that Brian was going to hide if something was really bad? Or was he, Nick, the one that still didn’t trust Brian when it came to those situations?

“You know how I am.” 

“Idiot. And stubborn. But mostly an idiot.”

“Thanks for the love.”

“I’m serious! What do you want me to say?”

“I’m... I will tell you, okay? Not now, though. And not because I don’t trust you or... whatever. – Brian trailed off, not really wanting to point out how still hard it was for him to break from old habits and from that sense of duty and protection he felt towards Nick. He was trying, and wasn’t that what really mattered in the end? – I just need to figure things out before.”

That answer didn’t satisfied Nick, nor it actually managed to reassure him. On the contrary, it made him even more suspicious and worried, although he still didn’t have much clues to paint the whole picture.

Even after the conversation ended, Nick kept staring at the blank screen trying to collect his thoughts and suspicions. He opened and closed several Google pages, but he didn’t even know what to type or where his search would start.

Was it really Brian’s heart again?

Was it something else, something that even Brian didn’t even know?

And Nick couldn’t tell if he was more scared of being kept in the darkness, once again, or of finding out the truth.


	3. The Third Time

3.

_“Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, and we don’t know where the road leads...”_

“You should have come sooner.”

“I know. – Brian admitted, his tone showing the feeling of shame he was feeling. He should had come sooner, the very day after he had felt that pain in his chest. He should had come sooner, like after all those times at home he had felt as though there was no more air in his lungs. He hadn’t, instead. He had pushed his luck, hoping that it was just exhaustion and depression working together against him. – I just got caught up with... well, life, you know?”

How many times did he had to make things way worse just because he didn’t want to admit the truth? Just because he didn’t want to see that there indeed a problem and it needed to be solved before it was too late? It wasn’t as if he thought himself as some sort of superhero, who could be able to defeat any kind of threats; it wasn’t as if he was just that crazy to risk his life because he thought that he was that invincible. On the contrary, Brian had always felt himself as far as possible to the image that the world had loved tailoring around him: still he felt as if he was that little boy, scared and afraid about what was going on around him and couldn’t explain why all those white monsters wanted so badly to torture him. Years might had passed by, maturity and lots of therapy had helped him coming to term with the trauma of his hospital experience, but still there was an underlying anxiety glimmering every time he had to force himself and go to the doctor.

“I have all the results of the exams.”

“So, doc... – Brian’s voice got caught in itself, a reminder that it wasn’t just his mind that was suffering the whole stress and fears of the situation. - ... what’s the verdict?”

“I need to do more in depth exams to capture the fully picture.”

“More exams?” Brian couldn’t hide his surprise or, better saying, his shock. Usually, if doctors weren’t happy with the results they just got back, meant that there was something even worse going on. And after two days full of visits, stress exams, echocardiograms and x-rays, something must had been really wrong for not having a right diagnosis.

Just his luck, as always.

“Sadly, yes.”

“But you already know what’s wrong with my heart?”

“I suspect you may have developed a heart valve disease.”

“What does it mean?” Brian vaguely remembered to have it looked up back when he had first needed the surgery: after the initial period of denying and deluding himself that he was as healthy as a 23 years old could be, he had dived into trying to know as much as he could about heart problems, almost telling himself that if he knew how to take care of himself, maybe, he could skip the whole open heart surgery at all. Obviously, it had been just another unconscious way of his mind to deceive itself but, now, pieces of information were suddenly coming back to surface.

“You do remember all the things I’ve told you the last time?”

“Sort of.” Brian admitted shamefully. Just like everything that had to do with his heart problems, once they had been solved, he had closed off all that information into a box and pushed it as far as possible within his mind.

“Okay. Let’s pull out all the guns, then. – Brian’s doctor turned the computer’s screen so that Brian could see and look at a diagram of the heart. – A heart has four valves: tricuspid, pulmonary, mitral and aortic. Under normal circumstances, blood is supposed to flow one-way through your heart coming through the top chamber, passing down to the bottom chamber and then to the body; when the blood comes in, the tricuspid and mitral valves open and close to allow blood in while the aortic and pulmonary valves control blood flowing out. You’re with me, right?”

“Yes.”

“When one of the valves is damaged the result is that it doesn’t work properly, which means that either the body doesn’t get enough blood supply or, just like in your case, blood can seep back into your heart.”

“Just like the last time? It was called something like regurgitation, am I wrong?”

“You’re not wrong. It’s an odd name but it explicit perfectly what happens: the valve doesn’t close all the way, leaving a hole through which blood can flow backwards rather than being pumped out of the heart. As a result, the left ventricle has to work harder to pump the extra blood and, over time, it can thicken. If not treated, it can lead to heart failure, stroke or sudden cardiac death. But you are already aware of the consequences.”

Brian was very aware of the consequences, they had been burning in his mind since that 1998 that changed his life in so many ways: he had lived with that specters of those words for months, dreading every single day that passed by while his condition got worse and worse.

“Did I do something wrong? - Brian couldn’t help but ask that question that had been sitting on his throat since the beginning of the visit: was it, somehow, his fault? Did it happen because, lost trying to figure out how to cure his voice, he had all forgotten about his yearly check-ups? Was it because he had been too cocky, too safe in believing that his heart had been fixed beck then? – There has been lots of stress lately and I might have been enjoying alcohol too much...”

“Sadly, Brian, you were born with a prior condition and you’ve already had a heart surgery. Sometimes you’re lucky and you keep being healthy for the rest of your life, sometimes we just need to do some little fixing on your heart.”

“So, it’s just unluck?” Brian asked with a sad smile, even though he felt at least a little bit reassured by the fact that he hadn’t been that much self-destructive. Although it was just a frail reassurance.

“Let’s not focus on being unlucky or not. Let’s focus on what we need to do to fix it, okay?”

“Do... Do I have to have another open surgery?”

“That’s why I need to do more exams. Depending on the state of your valve, we can try a new procedure, which is way less invasive.”

“A new procedure?”

“Yes. It’s called TAVR, transcatheter aortic valve replacement, where we insert a catheter in an artery and we carefully thread it to the heart and replace the valve. The artery, usually, is in the groin or we may need to incise between the ribs or part the breastbone.”

Brian couldn’t help the hiss coming from his closed mouth. “This sound like it’s going to hurt a lot.”

“You’re gonna be sedated. It’s going to be a minor scar than the one of an open-heart surgery and the period of recovery is quite shorter. But I assume you don’t have any shows scheduled for the next months, right?”

“Yeah.”

Silence fell between the two man as the air felt heavy, full of unspoken thoughts. Words were spinning around like they were on a rollercoaster, and Brian felt as if he was just a puppet left out in the open for anyone to play with. It was too much to take. It was too much to think about in that moment. He was supposed to ask questions, he knew that, but they were impossible to find in that moment.

What was he supposed to do?

What was he supposed to say?

Logically, Brian knew that there was nothing more left to wonder and guess: the road had been already mapped out and, even though his first instinct was to bolt out from that room and run as fast as he could, it wasn’t as if he could really escape it. It was bound to happen, whether he liked it or not. Logically, he had found a solution to his problem: his heart wasn’t functioning well anymore and there was a cure, this time less scary than having a surgeon take out his heart and handling around to see if another murmur had happened.

But it was still a surgery. But he still needed to be in a hospital, having a knife carving out another scar in his skin as if he needed to prove to the world how broken his body was. 

“Brian, I know all of this might seems too much to handle at the moment. While your symptoms suggest that we need to act as soon as possible, you don’t have to decide anything right at this very moment.”

“But you said you need to do more tests.”

“Yes. I need to verify the size and shape of your valves and if they are too narrow or are allowing blood to leak backwards.”

“What do I need to do?”

Doctor Benton looked at the man he had seen grown during all those years and recognized what was a more than normal reaction: Brian was in shock, even though he was trying so hard to keep it together and ask all the questions that had to be asked in a moment like that. There were some questions that Hugh wanted to ask too, but he felt that it was better to wait a little time.

“For now, you need to go back home and rest. That’s doctor’s order. – A little smile managed to appear between the lines of worry and fears on Brian’s face. – I’m gonna give lots of materials to go through once your head will be clear. Why don’t we see each other in a couple of days? We’re going to discuss what needs to be done and how soon. But, for now, just go home and rest.”

Brian couldn’t actually remember what he did after the doctor’s words; he imagined he had simply thanked him and walked out the room first, and then the building and then got into his car. But he had no recollection whatsoever, his mind was just focused on those words that had been flown around the room: another hole, another surgery, months and months of feeling as weak as a kitten and having to rely on someone else even for the most basilar things. He had hated those months back then: he had hated the way people kept looking at him, pity and concern written so boldly on their faces that he almost despised having them around; he had hated all those questions, that _“how are you”_ that was dropped almost hundreds times during the day, as if it was the minimum enough to say that they cared.

Yet, the most important question was another: could he do it again? Things were slightly different this time around: in a way, they were easier because there was no pressure of getting back on his feet as soon as possible because they had the whole year off thanks to the virus; on the other hand, though, he was older, way older than a twenty-three years old that thought, and believed, that he could beat the world and prove to it how invincible he was. Now Brian was older, his body was older and those twenty-two years that had passed had left traces and scar of their weight on his body: could he have the same will and energies to get back on his feet as soon as he did back then?

Could he do it again?

There was no other answer than yes, he could do it again. Even if Brian didn’t believe that he had the energies to do it; even if Brian didn’t want to face another series of exams, valuations, schedules on how to go back to normal life and new, or just different, advices on how to conduct a better and healthier lifestyle.

Could he do it again alone?

That was the real and most important question. He had always prided himself into being strong enough than no one should had ever had to worry about him: everyone needed to go on with their lives, with ways much important things and people to look after and take care, for he knew how to take care of himself. Hadn’t that been the way with his voice problems? Leighanne had only stuck around in the beginning, when things had seemed that might be over with just a couple of months of therapy and vocal training: but when it came clear that the road to healing would be long and maybe it wouldn’t even had an end, when she had realized that Brian wasn’t going to let it become a show, keeping it as private as he could do, Brian had found himself on his own, travelling around the States for something new and that could work better, but without a steady comforting and reassuring presence by his side. He had faced them all alone, priding himself to be strong when, in reality, there had been so many times when he had wanted, he had needed, someone else to take the burden off and let him breathe for a while.

Could he do it again alone?

Did he want to, though?

Since he and Nick had been closer, closer than they ever been in a long time, Brian hadn’t been alone in that battlefield: suddenly, that army of one had found a companion, an ally that, even though he hadn’t known much and everything about the battle, had tried to lend arms, weapons and comfort as much as he could.

Brian hadn’t realized it before: lost in his mind, too busy to try and be who and what everyone had always needed from him, he hadn’t see that he wasn’t alone anymore. He had accepted Nick’s words of reassurance. He had accepted his hugs and kisses when things didn’t go as planned, and bad days appeared out of blue, leaving him with a shadow of a voice and cracking sounds as notes; he had learned to hide inside Nick’s body when fears and shadows seemed too big and too dark to fight, his fighting will too destroy to keep going on another day. Somehow, someway, he had accepted Nick’s presence without even considering it, without even asking or begging Nick to be there in ways he had never been before. But when it came to talk, when it came to make Nick part of his troubles, to discuss what was going on and what were the steps that were needed to be taken, something had always hold Brian back: a fear of being left alone, because his problems and struggles were too much to handle; that nightmare of a past situation when no one had seemed to care, too busy worrying about what consequences his situation might had on their career and road to stardom and fame. And, somehow, even though he had long got over what happened, and Nick had made sure that the past wouldn’t be relived once again, Brian had still let that one moment in time define that stubbornness of not wanting anyone to know.

Wasn’t time to let things go? Wasn’t time to change?

Without even realizing it, Brian had found himself inside his car, streets and houses passing by as he drove with no destination on his mind. He didn’t know where he was supposed to go: back to Atlanta? Back to his parents, alarming them for the hundredth time in their lives? Should he go to Nick and disrupt his normality? Could Brian ask him to give up everything just to stand by his side?

Could he really do it?

After all, they were lovers. They were more than that and, sometimes, it felt as if they were nothing at all: different lives, intricated plans just to stay together a couple of hours and then back to keep alive an illusion of perfection that had never existed in the first place. But they were lovers. They were partners and that supposed and meant that they should share everything, even those curveballs that life was bound to throw from time to time.

Brian should call Nick. He should call him, at least to tell him what was going on. He should call him and let himself being reassured, at least: there was no one, but Nick, that could make Brian feel like he could overcome everything, even the highest of the mountains; there was no one, but Nick, that had so much faith and belief in his strengths.

Did he really think that he could go through a surgery without telling anyone? Did he really believe that he could go through the same thing he did with his dysphonia, going to different doctors and applied himself to millions of therapies all by himself, as if he wanted to prove to the world that he didn’t need anyone?

Although the real question was of a different kind: did he want to be alone?

And there, in the middle of a road that lead apparently to nowhere, Brian realized something that he should had learned a long time ago: sometimes, being strong meant knowing when it was time to ask for help, for those shoulders that would keep him up while he tended to his own problems and issues. There, in the middle of nowhere, Brian took out his phone, that he had kept turned off up until that moment and dialed a number that he should had called in the first place, long before he had decided to take that trip. He should had called that person that should had been there with him, trying to reassure him that everything was going to be alright.

When was he going to learn?

One ring. Two. Three.

Maybe he wasn’t going to answer. Maybe he was too angry to pick up that call. Maybe he was too busy...

Another ring. And then a click. And, finally, Brian’s favorite voice came up on the phone.

“Hi.”


	4. The Fourth Time

4.

_“Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, and we don’t know where the road leads...”_

Nick read Brian’s post again. And again. And again. And again, for the hundredth time since the first time he had seen it. And cursing himself for not seeing it right away.

“Where in the hell are you, Frick?” Nick muttered, as he checked if, by chance, Brian had magically decided to reply one of the hundred texts he had sent him.

Nothing at all.

Nick hadn’t even noticed the post at first, he hadn’t had the time to check his phone for more than a couple of minutes with Saoirse being all fussy because of her first tooth and Odin feeling a little bit jealous because he had to share his role as the star of the family. So Brian’s post had slipped past his attention, as well as the fact that he hadn’t heard from him since the last time they had spoken. How long had been? One week? Something more? Nick couldn’t quite tell, and he felt a little guilt about it: he had promised himself he would try to pressure Brian a little more, trying to understand if there was really something going on.

_“I’ll tell you. I’m need to figure things out.”_

That had been Brian’s words. But time had passed by and Nick hadn’t heard back from him at all.

And then that post.

He tried zooming the photo so that he could find out what road was the one in the picture. But there were no signs that could indicate the state Brian was, or the direction he had taken: it was a plain road, typical of the south of America, but it could be everywhere. Brian could be everywhere and nowhere: still in Georgia, running away from Leighanne; back in Kentucky, paying a visit to his family. For all Nick knew, Brian could be on his way to Nashville, maybe for Baylee’s singing career, maybe for finally starting to work on his solo album. For all Nick knew, Brian could be driving towards Nevada, having finally accepted his invitation.

The thing was, though, that Nick knew nothing because it seemed as though as Brian had vanished into thin air: his phone had been turned off, all of his text messages and emails had been left drying up without even a reply.

Nothing.

Out of habit, he reached for his own phone and tried calling his lover once again. Still turned off. Still only the answering machine, which made Nick even angrier and more and more frustrated. Where in the hell was he? Why wouldn’t he answer? Had something happened to him? Had Leighanne killed him and hidden his body somewhere in that house that looked more like a small town?

Nick was getting worried. No, that wasn’t even the real truth. He was already beyond worried and he had been since the end of the tour, since he hadn’t been able to keep Brian under his watch, so to be sure that nothing was really going on. He should had spoken up sooner. He should had spoken up that very first night he felt that something was wrong, utterly wrong; he should had spoken up during the last weeks and months, when it had been so painful to see that Brian was trying to hide something and it was slowly killing him.

Again.

Nick knew that he should had called more. He should had demanded more, pushing Brian in a corner and with nowhere to hide anymore. He should had but he hadn’t done nothing, trusting and hoping that it would had been Brian the one coming to him when he had felt ready.

He had been a fool.

Then the phone started to ring. It broke Nick’s inner monologue, or better say his inner self blaming and guilty trips. It broke the silence around the whole situation because, as if it had been summoned like in a magical world, the name flashing on the display belonged to Brian.

“Hey.”

Brian’s voice hit Nick right there in the feeling, bring up emotions that he had tried to keep at bay during those hours of not knowing. He had missed it: Brian’s voice, that tone of affection and tender love that he had always had for him, no matter what the circumstances were. He had missed him and, at the same time, hated him for having disappeared instead than reaching out and asking for help.

“Hey? That’s all you have to say? Hey?”

“Yes? What am I supposed to say?” Brian replied and Nick could actually picturing him as he smiled, wearing that sheepishly grin that he used to have when he knew he was in trouble but knew that he could get away with everything.

“How about, just maybe, where the fuck you have been? How about apologize for having disappeared completely? Do you know how much I was worried?”

Silence replied at first, hanging around as if it was a distant blanket. Brian had known it wasn’t going to be an easy call. Brian had known that Nick might had been angry, even annoyed. But it was always the worrying line that caught him into his own web, as if he was just finding out that people, that Nick, did care about him and his health, not just because it was something that could become a liability but because they actually cared and loved him.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? That’s all you have to say? You’re sorry? Fuck, Brian.”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“How about starting for where the fuck you are?”

Brian sighed. “I actually don’t know.”

“What do you mean? How can you not know where you are?”

“Somewhere in Florida.”

“You’re in Destin?”

“No.”

“But that’s where you went?”

“No.”

Nick growled. Literally. Getting answers from Brian had always been hard and difficult but it was getting ridiculous. Why did he always have to hide everything? Why couldn’t he just give a straightforward answer instead than running around it?

“Bri, you know that I love you, but right now I really want to kick you unless you tell me what it’s going on.”

Brian closed his eyes for a second, his hand gripping even tighter the phone. Gone were the days when he knew he could fake a smile and lie to Nick, conscious that the younger wouldn’t challenge him to show his true feelings and emotions; gone where the moments of fear that he had to swallow back, afraid that just only their shadows would be enough to scare the boy away and how he would be left all alone.

Again and again.

It was still hard, for Brian, to be that kind of person: he had been used to his role, he had been being the pillar of strength everyone had admired and been secretly jealous of; he had been to deal with everything on his own, just using his own resources because there was still that messed up and broken kid locked up inside his soul that didn’t want to worry or disrupt anyone else’s lives.

_“You need to let people in. You need to let that kid be tended and cared for. No one is going to look down on you only because you admit that things aren’t okay. Your voice isn’t going to get better if you keep silencing it.”_

His therapist’s words kept coming back, always pushing him to step out from that dark corner he had hidden himself. Wasn’t that the reason why he had called Nick in the first place? Wasn’t that the reason why, had been pushed down once again, he was seeking and reaching out to Nick’s hand.

“I might not have been completely honest with you, Nicky. - Brian could barely speak, and that broken whisper was enough for Nick to feel as if a black hole had suddenly appeared beneath his feet, while old ghost of past fears and scares were starting to come out from their hidings. – I should have told you a way lot sooner but... I was scared. I didn’t want it to be true. And I thought that, if I told you, I had to face it instead than...”

“Instead than tricking yourself into thinking that nothing was wrong?”

God, Nick really knew him that well, didn’t he? How could that be? When did Nick learn how his mind worked? When did Nick start looking into Brian more closely? Brian felt suddenly exposed, a raw nerve that was showing off all of its scars and those wounds that still wanted to close down, taking the chance to finally being nurtured and healed. But, at the same time, wasn’t that the reason why Brian was calling Nick? Wasn’t that the reason why he couldn’t go through _it_ if Nick wasn’t by his side?

“Something like that.”

“Frick, are you okay?”

“That’s not an easy question to answer. – Brian replied, feeling almost as if he had to lighten up the blow that was about to come crashing on them. – I don’t know.”

“Where are you?” Nick asked, already feeling his heart beating faster and faster as he tried to think how to leave the house, and the kids, and go wherever Brian was in that moment.

If he wanted him there, of course.

_“Of course he wants you. –_ Nick thought to himself. _– He wouldn’t be calling if he didn’t want you there.”_

“The place I hate the most.”

“Back in Atlanta?”

The smile appeared even though Nick couldn’t see it. For a brief instant, it felt as if nothing was really going on, as if they were just having a playful conversation that could lead to something more. Brian tasted that moment as if it was freedom, as if it was the most liberating thing in his conditions; Brian held on those words and those feelings as if they could let him free, take him away from that place and back to those arms that always managed to make him feel safe and sound.

“No, no. That’s my second least favorite place.”

“Bri, love, what’s wrong?”

“I haven’t been feeling good lately. I haven’t been feeling good since the tour, actually.” Brian started to say, after taking another deep breath.

“Yeah. But we were all out of sort because of the covid.” Nick’s mind went back to that particular night, that night that had been haunting him since then. Could he say it? Could he dare to say what had been plaguing him, almost to the point that he had thought about breaking the isolation and fly to Brian just to make sure that he was okay?

Or had he just worried too much and something else was going on?

“I... It wasn’t just that, Nicky. I knew that something was off, but I wanted to believe that it was just a bad day. Or many bad days.”

“You sounded good.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah. I mean, you sounded better during the US tour, but it wasn’t that bad. You sounded a lot worse.”

“Thanks for the honesty.”

“Hey! You asked me!”

“I know, I know. – Brian sighed, rubbing his forehead as if he could shake away that headache that had been tormenting him since the morning. – But it’s not my voice. It has never been it troubling me, at least more than usual.”

“Bri, what’s wrong?” Nick repeated, his anxiety starting to crawl his inside’s walls as if it wanted to go out and scream out all of its fears and doubts. He was worried, Nick. He was scared that, whatever it was this time, Brian would be too tired to fight once again. Hadn’t he gone through enough? Hadn’t they been already going through so much? The broken marriages; the complexity of a life that had seemed what they had always wanted but, in reality, turned out to be the complete opposite; those kids who were the only reasons why they were still sticking around, instead than finally merging into one big happy family. Hadn’t they already given up enough?

“It’s my heart. Again.”

“You mean...?”

“Yeah. That’s the reason why... why... why I’m at the hospital.” Brian pronounced those last words in a broken voice, still not fully able to grasp that it wasn’t just a nightmare. He had driven like a mad for days, as if running away was the only way to escape everything. As if putting all those miles and miles between him and his problems, could actually serve to erase them and make it everything better. He had driven until he didn’t know where he had stumbled upon, his phone still buzzing with unanswered calls and texts full of apprehension and concern.

Did it go away?

Did he managed to run just enough away from it?

The answer had been no. When he had finally stopped, only because he had been out of gas, he had realized that his problems and troubles had followed him. No, that hadn’t been quite the truth. The truth had been that his troubles had sat down next to him, shared and enjoyed that crazy ride knowing fully that it had been such a useless distraction.

And, in that moment, Brian had realized that the only thing he had been afraid of had been facing that new struggle on his own. It had seemed like the old habits had been gone. It had seemed like that, somewhere between finding out about his voice problems and that day, something had changed within him.

He needed someone to stand beside him, ready to catch him if he should stumble a little. He needed someone he could confide his fears, fully conscious that he could tell them everything without the fear that it would be used then against him, like Leighanne had done thousand and thousand times to get what she wanted and to keep him under her thumb. He needed someone that would tell him that everything was going to be alright but, even if the wouldn’t, it was going to be okay. They were going to be okay, because their love wasn’t balanced on how steady his shoulders were.

He needed Nick and it took Brian so many years, so many hours of therapy, to accept that simple truth. And not just that, not just simply accept it but also act on it.

As he was doing in that moment.

_“I know you’re taught yourself to be strong and to never ask for help. But it doesn’t work like that. You have to ask for what you want and need, and it isn’t something to be ashamed of. People aren0t going to despise you, they aren’t going to think less of you. They aren’t going to leave you behind. People who love you aren’t going to disappear just because you need something. But you have to tell them.”_

“What do you need, Frick?”

“There are hundreds of tests they have to do. I should rent a house nearby and just get over with it, right? And I thought... I thought I could not tell anybody. I thought I could do just like the last time. Just like that, find out what’s wrong and coming to you with what’s wrong and the therapy. Or fixed it.”

No one had to know. No one had to suspect it. Those had been his first thoughts when things had started to collide together. That had always been his attitude, so no one had to know how broken and messed up he was.

Especially Nick.

“Frick, whatever it is...”

“I can’t this time. I’ve tried. After I ran away, I tried to be the responsible one and do what I have to do. But I can’t. This time I can’t because I’m fucking scared.”

Brian’s accent got always thick when he was distressed and Nick wasn’t going to admit out loud how much he preferred that tone: it didn’t mean that he liked when Brian was overstressed or too emotional, far from it. It just meant that he loved Brian’s southern accent, that warmth that always managed to envelope him like the tightest blanket. Nick was never going to tell him that he missed it, that he missed Brian’s voice the way it used to be.

“What do you need?” Nick repeated, although he already knew it and, in a heartbeat, he was already up and trying to find where his duffel bag had been thrown in the wardrobe.

“I... I know you have the kids and everything but...”

“Bri, what do you want?” Nick asked again and the change of verb wasn’t unusual because, sometimes, what Brian needed never really collude with what he needed. Or, perhaps, this time what Brian wanted was what he needed but he couldn’t see it yet.

Silence filled the distance between the two men. Heartbeats ran one after the other, as if they could really try to meet somewhere and be together again. It felt as though as clocks and time had stopped working, just waiting for those words that could make their worlds going back to what they used to be.

“I don’t want to be like this, Frack. I don’t wanna be this needy person that can’t even function on his own. – Brian fought back a tear, hating himself even more for being that weak. – I’m not like this. I’m not this weak man that is afraid of everything...”

“That’s bullshit, Brian, and you know. You’re not afraid of everything, just hospitals. And I think it’s normal, given what you’ve been through.”

“I’m a forty-five-year-old man, for God’s sake. I shouldn’t be needing you to come to my rescue.”

“You want me to come down?” Nick asked, his heartbeat going faster and faster. It would take just one answer, a simply yes, and he would be gone in a second. It was all he ever asked, all he had ever hoped: to be finally able to help someone. No, not just someone. To finally being able to help Brian.

“Yes. – Brian’s voice was just a whisper, nothing more than a fragile thread of voice but, to Nick, it sounded as loud as a thunder in the middle of a silent night. – But only if you can or are not too busy with the kids or...”

Nick didn’t let Brian even finish his objection. “Just tell me where you are so I can actually be there, Frick.” Luckily, Lauren’s family was always there in the house, basically living with them, so he knew that he could got off without even thinking it through. And, while his heart and body already felt the distance and the absence of his kids, he knew that this was a chance he couldn’t lose.

He had to get to Brian, no matter what.

He had to prove him that there wasn’t anything wrong with asking for help and let someone, let him, take care of him from time to time.

Most importantly, Nick had to prove to Brian that it wasn’t going to be like the last time. 

“Nicky?”

“No, Brian, I’m not going to change my mind. Nothing you can say is going...”

“Thank you.” Just two words. Two simple words. And, yet, they managed to stop Nick in his steps, so close to tear up because it was so rare to hear those words coming from Brian in that kind of circumstances

“I love you, Bri.”

“I love you too.”


	5. - Last Time -

5.

The moon had decorated the sky with its velvet and dark texture, only letting the pale moon shining so brightly in the middle of that infinite and endless black ocean; silver rays jumped down from their celestial home, running around and trying to hide behind every object they met in that silly game of hide and seek: a couple of them, braver than the rest of their brothers and sisters, dared to hit the wooden porch and get closer to the silent human figure that was sitting down on the steps. A light breeze, born from the tall and old trees that surround the area, caressed what looked to be dark brown hair, as though as it wanted to entrance some kind of reaction. Yet, the man still sat down quietly, his blue eyes staring at the driveway that swept through the yard like a grey snake.

Was he really coming?

Was he really going to keep his promise?

It had been easy keeping those questions, those doubts, so out of mind for the better part of the day: things had started to swirl around at the speed of the light, a wind of going in and out of examination rooms and shadows of a past that hadn’t been so easy to put them to rest once for all. But he had made it through, holding tight to that promise that had came through in the form of a simple text.

Yet, he needed to see him to believe him.

Yet, he couldn’t just return to breathe normally until his eyes could finally meet again their soulmates, drops of the same ocean that had dried itself just to make sure that they would be able to meet and recognize each other.

Was he really coming?

Was he really going to keep his promise?

The answers came in the shape of a car that, slowly, came into vision, its headlights the only color in the black pit of the night. Brian suddenly stood up, every fiber of his body feeling as tight as possible, his heartbeat going hundreds of miles in that new irregular time that he would never grow comfortable with. Brian waited as the car stopped right in front of him and revealed that all of his fears and doubts didn’t have a reason to exist in the first place.

Nick did come.

Nick did kept his promise.

“Hey.”

Brian took a step closer to Nick, a part of his mind still not believing that he really came all the way from Nevada just because he asked him to. Another step, distance being erased little by little until different shades of blue were reflecting each other’s waves. Another step and Brian was there, standing right in front of Nick and still so unsure of that outcome. It seemed strange but, at the same time, it felt as finally things were going back to the way they needed to be.

“Hey.”

Brian smiled, the way he hadn’t been smiling since that last night they’d been together.

“Sorry for the late hour, it took so much time to find a rental car.”

“You came.”

“I told you I would.”

Brian didn’t say anything more. At that moment, there was no need to fill the space with useless words: his body already ached to be as close as possible, his soul longed to be wrapped within Nick’s protection and his heart needed to hear that everything was now going to be okay, for they were going to fight together, side by side.

Brian didn’t say anything more. He just took Nick’s face into his hands, a sigh of relief escaping his lips as he was finally able to touch that skin, feeling it warm beneath his palms. They just stared into each other’s gaze, a harmony of love resonating in the air as it became even more real: they were together, after so much time spent apart and with that nightmare ready to erupt their bliss. And Brian wasn’t ready to dive back into explanations, plans and hopes. Brian wasn’t ready to break through that almost palpable happiness, something he had tried to hold on to when it had been too hard to breathe and just be.

For that moment, frozen through threads of time and space, Brian just wanted to stay just like that, Nick’s lips softly caressing his, dissipating every cloud until there was nothing left.

Just the two of them.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

“So, you’re not going to have another open-heart surgery, right?” Nick asked, relief already pulsating and vibrating beneath his skin. They were lying on the bed, bodies tangled up into each other as sun rays started to filter through the early morning sky.

“No. It’s going to be rather quick, this time. It’s a new procedure, had the damage of the valve been worse they would have to cut him open again. I should be out of the hospital in a day.”

“That’s good.” Nick replied, placing his lips on Brian’s temple.

“I’ll probably going to end up with another scar.” Brian’s voice sounded almost half of a joke, as if he was trying, once again, to lighten up the mood and the situation. His lips curved into a shadow of a grin as, almost unconsciously, his hand rested in the middle of his chest, the same place when the faded scar of the first surgery still felt colder than the rest of his skin.

“You’re still going to be the sexiest man in the world.” Nick’s hand went and rested upon Brian’s, an attempt to soothe his lover’s mood.

“Gone are the days of my shirtless selfies, I guess.”

“Don’t be so dead set on. – Nick argued, almost comforted by the fact that Brian could actually joke about it. – It’s gonna fade someday in the future.”

Brian didn’t reply at first, his smile fading into that blank mask that Nick had sadly watched and taken in so many times. Maybe it wasn’t the right time to joke about it. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, when both of them couldn’t be sure what tomorrow was going to bring. Maybe all Brian needed was to be sure that things weren’t going to change between them, as if, somehow, the idea of a new scar was going to turn Nick away from him after all they had been through.

Or, maybe, Nick didn’t know yet the ramifications of the situations.

“It’s not that simple, Nick. – Brian whispered, almost as if he was afraid that, saying those words out loud, would somehow made them even more real than what they already were. – It’s not going to end tomorrow.”

“What do you mean?” Nick’s tone was filled with confusion, granted that it hadn’t been even a couple of hours and he had been relying on what Brian had told him. His fingers longed to open up the laptop, losing his mind in endless sources of information so that he could know what they were really going against.

He wasn’t going to let things go the same way they did more than twenty years ago.

“I’m not that young anymore.”

“You’re forty-five. That’s hardly saying you’re old. And don’t you know that forty-five is the new twenty-five?”

“I’m not growing young, then. – Brian replied, rolling eyes and a shadow of a grin. – It may happen again. Somewhere down the line, no matter how healthy I might live my life, it’s bound to happen.”

“If it happens, then we’re going to fight it once again.”

Brian shook his head. Nick wasn’t comprehending the situation. Nick couldn’t understand it. Nick couldn’t understand how it felt when your own body kept betraying you over and over again. It was never going to end; on the contrary, it was going to be harder and harder and, at some point, there was going to be nothing left for him to do. Granted, it may happen when he would be really old, with so many years lived on his shoulders. But, at the same time, there was no guarantee and it wasn’t as if he had been that lucky when it came to his health.

Breaking the contact with Nick, Brian sat up on the bed, his back facing Nick, his head in his hands. He hadn’t been able to shut down those thoughts, their voices growing louder and louder as he had waited for Nick to come down. He hadn’t been to stop that spiraling, for its seed had been plant so many nights ago that now it was as if it had always been there, nested and fed by his own lifeforce.

“Look, I know now you’re still shocked but we’re going to fix it, okay? They’re going to fix you and...”

“Can’t you really see it? – Brian interrupted Nick, frustration growing stronger. Although, if he had to be honest, he couldn’t tell if he was more frustrated that Nick couldn’t seem to understand or at the whole situation. – There’s no fix. There’s never been a fix. I’ve been broken since the day I was born.”

“Come on, Bri. This is being a little dramatic.” Nick placed a hand upon Brian’s shoulder, trying to pull the man back into his arms, but Brian didn’t seem to want to move.

“My heart. My voice. My brain. You’ve picked the wrong guy.”

“I didn’t.”

“I’m barely managing my voice. I’m barely dealing with it and it’s so damn exhausting, you know? You may think that you’ve finally found the right cure and, the next day, you’re back to square one. You can’t never be sure if one day is going to be good or bad and I’m not even talking about singing. I keep trying. I’ve tried everything, I’ve been everywhere and the only result I got is something that barely resemble my old voice. And it’s just going to get worse, Nick.”

“You don’t know, Brian. You can’t know what science and medicine can come up with.”

“But I thought that, at least, my heart was okay. – Brian didn’t even seem to have listened to Nick’s words, finally feeling free to pour out everything that he had been hold inside for too long. – What an idiot. I didn’t want to believe it, you know. Back then, when doc told me that there might would have been problems in the future, I didn’t believe it. I let his words slide because I was young, and I felt as if it wasn’t going to happen again. I was going to get those holes closed and it was going to be over. I thought that, if I believed it, it could be true. But it’s never going to end. It’s going to be a fight after fight, battle after battle. And... and I’m tired, Nick. I’m so exhausted all the time.”

“Ehi, ehi. It’s okay to be tired.”

Brian let out a low growl, frustrated that Nick didn’t seem to understand. And perhaps that was the truth, Nick couldn’t understand because he, Brian, had never really explained it to me. “It’s... it’s tiring and exhausting thinking that that’s how I’m gonna spend my life, always having to be on the lookout because something might be wrong, dreading any small pain, fearing that feeling tired might mean something different than just being... tired. What if I have to keep going in and out of hospitals? What if one day I wake up and I have no voice at all? Why if this dystonia decided that taking away my live hood isn’t enough?”

“One time a wise hobbit told me that you can’t live your life in fear, but you have to live it at your fullest. – Nick said, hoping to restore a smile and confidence in his lover’s soul. – Whatever happens, we are going to fight it.”

“That man wasn’t really wise. That man is so damn tired and exhausted of fighting all the time. – Brian couldn’t help but letting those words slipping out in the most heartbreaking tone. It made Nick’s heart wince, as a growing fear was starting to raise up its head and take control of thoughts and rationality. - I don’t want to spend all of my life battling something that it can’t be won.”

Nick didn’t know what to say. Nick didn’t know if there was something, he could say that could magically erase that brokenness entwined within Brian’s voice and soul. Logically, Nick knew that this Brian was just talking out of the spur of the situation, dragged down by the news he had just received, and the months spent wondering and hiding his true conditions. But, unconsciously, Nick couldn’t let Brian just talk like that: it was him; it wasn’t the man Nick had fallen in love with so many decades before; it wasn’t the man he had admired because, no matter what fate had decided to throw in his path, he had always managed to stand up with a smile, stronger than before.

“You can’t just give up.”

“I’m not. I’m... I don’t know. – Brian admitted, hiding his face in his hands, fingers pulling the hair as if it was the only thing that could manage to rip those thoughts out of his mind. - I don’t know what I’m right now.”

Nick scooted closer to Brian, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing his chin upon Brian’s shoulder. “You don’t have to be anything. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what I’ll always be there for you.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I don’t. – Nick’s lips traced Brian’s skin, as if he wanted to burn his words so that he would never forget about it. Sealed and one, a promise that was going to live until his last breath. – Not this time. Not ever again.”

“You know how many times I’ve heard it?” Brian almost bit back a broken sound, closing his eyes as though he could erase everything he had just heard.

Nick didn’t waste any more seconds, finally being able to make Brian turn around so that they were facing each other; he took Brian’s face in his hands, just like Brian had done when he had just arrived. His lips caressed Brian’s, slowly at first, a soft touch before letting his love become the only language and words that could be spoken. “I’m not going to leave you.”

“You have kids, now. Our... our life is so damn more complicated than before.”

_And you weren’t there._ Brian had wanted to add, those sneaking words lingering on his tongue and already tainting what his heart already knew; how his soul knew, deep inside, that this time Nick wasn’t going to break his promise. 

“I know you don’t really trust me when it comes to these kinds of situations. And I can’t really blame you.”

“Nicky, no... it’s...”

Nick didn’t let Brian finish, putting his fingertips on his lips as a way to silence him for the time being. There were so many things that had been left unsaid through years and decades, threads and threads of secret that had been hidden because hurt and confusion had made them invisible. Falling in love, had being given another chance by fate to finally be together again, didn’t meant that the past was soon forgotten, erased in all of its mistakes and scars. They had managed through those high waves, they had tried to come to terms to the fact that not only they were two souls needing each other, but, at the same time, they had been each other’s monster and murderer.

They needed healing. They needed to fix all those broken pieces that had been left standing between them. There had been so many times, in the past, when Brian had been there to pick up Nick’s pieces, putting them together again and making him feel like he could be someone new, that Nick that had always meant to be had things, fate and time been different.

And now it was Nick’s turn to fix it. Now it was Nick’s turn to fix whatever had been broken within Brian, that trust and faith that should had been standing so tall and strong.

“You know, there is something I’ve never told you. Maybe, if I had, things might would have been different.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember the last day before your surgery? Our fight?”

Brian simply nodded, recalling that day oh so very well. They had a fight, maybe their very first fight since the day they had met: Brian had been so angry, although now Nick could see that fear and being scared were hiding behind that red emotion; Brian had been so damn angry because everyone was tiptoeing around him, never really even dared to speak about the very reason they were about to take a break for. And Nick... Nick hadn’t know how to be. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to see Brian leaving, knowing that there was a chance he might not even coming back? So, Nick had lied. So, Nick had pretended that it was just like any other last day together they had in the past, a game of basket and the promise to keep in touch.

_“So that’s how is it going to be? Just a goodbye as if nothing is going to happen?” Brian had said, throwing the ball and making another hit._

_“Frick, I... I don’t know what do you expect me to...”_

_“Fuck, Nick! I’m about to have surgery, I’m not just going back to see my family!”_

_“I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know what to say! Please, don’t die?”_

_Brian just stared into Nick’s eyes, hurt and frustration raising storms within him. It was useless. It was as if everyone didn’t even care what he was about to go through. But coming from Nick? Coming from Nick it hurt way more than he had expected it to be._

_“Forget it, Nick. Just... forget it.”_

“I felt so bad, Bri. I didn’t want you to go back without having the security that you would come back. I didn’t want to see you leave, knowing that there was a chance you could... you could have died. I should have told you right away. I should have hugged and kissed you, instead I let you go while you thought that I didn’t care about you.”

“Ehi, stop this. It’s all in the past. You were young, sometimes even too young for the things that happened back then. And, honestly, I should have been way more honest with you guys: you acted as if it wasn’t that serious because I made you believe it.”

“We should have known better. I should have known better. – Nick admitted, his hand resting on that scar that had been his worst nightmare. – That’s why I came to the hospital.”

“What?”

“Yes. I think it was the first time I pull the “I’m a popstar” card. I came to the hospital, desperately wanting to see you and tell you how much you meant. How much you needed to live. – Nick could still remember that weight, that pressure harboring down on his heart as he raced through the airport, not wanting that those words could turn out to be the last ever spoken to his best friend. To his more than best friend. – I thought I was too late, I couldn’t remember the time of the surgery.”

“You came?”

“Yes. But Leighanne caught me before I could even put a foot inside the hospital.”

“Oh.” It was the only comment that Brian could master in that moment, as if, with that sudden confession, all those broken pieces finally found their place and their explanation.

“I should have fought harder with her. I didn’t know, at that time, that she was trying to isolate you from us. And from me, especially. If only...” Nick’s voice trailed off, losing himself into those whole scenarios that would have led if things had taken a different road.

“Ehi. You’re here now, aren’t you? I called you and you came.” Brian said, his voice, though, betraying the emotions that had been born with those words. For so long, for so many years, that nagging feeling that he had to hide his weakness if he wanted to keep those people still close to me, had managed to ruin and taint every relationship: how could he be able to trust again, if worst come out of the sudden? Things would had been so different, had he been confident in trusting Nick with no doubt or fear whatsoever. Those words changed Brian, fixing and starting to heal that small child that had always had to stand taller so that people wouldn’t diminish his strength.

“I did. I will always come for you.”

“And that’s all that matter.”

And maybe that was really true. And, maybe, that was the real reason behind that another twist of fate in Brian’s life: maybe it had needed to happen so past could be smothered, wrapped in a blanket and put in the farthest corner of their minds. Nothing was going to change all the hurt and pain they both had to endure, it wasn’t something that could be cure with magic. But, maybe, those heartbreaking moments wouldn’t be never able to taint their present.

And their future together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, after so long I finally ended a story. Yay me!!
> 
> When I started this story I knew I wanted to fix two things: Brian's mysterious absence (which we might never know. It's Brian. We love him even if he is too private sometimes. Most of the times) and that small thing of the Boys, but especially Nick, not being there for Brian the first surgery. The story had never meant to be just around Brian's new heart problem. The story had always meant to be a sort of redemption, both for Brian (being able to ask for help) and for Nick.  
> So, this is it.   
> Thank so much to all the people who read, left comments, kudos, cheered for me. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this is just me loving to write angst stuff. Especially when a certain someone makes a mysterious post about curveballs and roadtrips and then disappears for almost three weeks.


End file.
